April 28, 2004
Party Update
I have been noticing some interesting trends around response to my upcoming party (a total of 7, not counting the obligated Hubby and parents). Bear in mind these guys don't know what I specifically plan to do on my "me" day, and they do not know it's doc prescribed - so they can't turn this into a "pity party".
- Most of the supportive response is coming from people that are far away, but had close ties to me in childhood.
- The most positive response to the concept (3) came from other sensitive souls like myself - they tended to have an artistic background and/or are what I'd call "independent introverts" - folks who have been rejected time and again for dancing to the beat of a different drum.
- Friendships that developed because of my husband showed the least response - I had to push to hear from them, if I heard at all.
Currently, I still have only 1 friend coming - everyone else is too far, too busy, etc. - at least most plan on calling or carding.
- Most of the supportive response is coming from people that are far away, but had close ties to me in childhood.
- The most positive response to the concept (3) came from other sensitive souls like myself - they tended to have an artistic background and/or are what I'd call "independent introverts" - folks who have been rejected time and again for dancing to the beat of a different drum.
- Friendships that developed because of my husband showed the least response - I had to push to hear from them, if I heard at all.
Currently, I still have only 1 friend coming - everyone else is too far, too busy, etc. - at least most plan on calling or carding.
April 24, 2004
Signed, Sealed, Delivered -it's Yours?
My letter to myself came back quickly, but I didn't open it until today. I know it was a positive letter, but I didn't have the courage to do it at home.
I brought it to Dr. V- to show proof that I wrote and mailed it. But the task wasn't complete till I opened and read it.... I took a breath, and while no one was in the room, I began to read. I remembered why I didn't want to read it -a lot of it was trying to reframe negative incidents or darker aspects of myself in a positive light... Which was encouraging, but I'd prefer to forget entirely. Old habits die hard...anything I don't like I forget.
Of course there were some things I really liked about the letter too that I did want to remember - like the importance of being myself, hugging (when I was younger one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up was to be a "hug therapist"), and how much pride I take in doing things, even the little things. I try to do everything with love, even if no one else knows or notices.
The doc walked in on me in the midst of reading it. I wrapped up quickly and stuffed the letter back into the envelope, chock full of messages of hope and happiness all over the outside. I was ready to tackle his new assignment for me, which was had to do with reintegration - exactly along the lines I thought of. But it's to be top secret until I complete it.... so I may blog a little on it next week when it is over.
He asked for the letter, to keep in my file and read. After a moments hesitation, I agreed. While I rested during accupunture though, my heart began to race. I felt like I'd left a door to my soul wide open - and it scared the Hell out of me. I was worried, that like most everyone else I'd known, the more he knew, the more he'd retreat, or the more I'd have to put up the armor and retreat myself - neither of which were appealing thoughts to me. Some of the things I wrote would seem out of context without the memories to go with them too.
I asked for the letter back as soon as acupuncture completed. He asked me why, and I told him, as best as I could express at the time. He took a good chunk of time to reassure me, and make me smile and laugh a bit. I know, in the great cosmic scheme of things, it probably doesn't matter - and I'm sure there are people in this world a lot more messed up than me! And as every "layer" has come down off me, so far little has changed as to how they treat me there on my visits (I think it's improved a bit in some respects). Of course, that's what a professional is supposed to do, right? Right.
Still... it meant something to me. Perhaps I concern myself more with them over there than the other way around. But then again, I seem to be having that issue with a lot of people.
Anyway, he did make me feel better about it and I did let the letter go. A little additional treatment and I was on my way. When I got home I got mixed support and criticism over it.
I think I'll get a copy of it back, just for memories sake.
I brought it to Dr. V- to show proof that I wrote and mailed it. But the task wasn't complete till I opened and read it.... I took a breath, and while no one was in the room, I began to read. I remembered why I didn't want to read it -a lot of it was trying to reframe negative incidents or darker aspects of myself in a positive light... Which was encouraging, but I'd prefer to forget entirely. Old habits die hard...anything I don't like I forget.
Of course there were some things I really liked about the letter too that I did want to remember - like the importance of being myself, hugging (when I was younger one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up was to be a "hug therapist"), and how much pride I take in doing things, even the little things. I try to do everything with love, even if no one else knows or notices.
The doc walked in on me in the midst of reading it. I wrapped up quickly and stuffed the letter back into the envelope, chock full of messages of hope and happiness all over the outside. I was ready to tackle his new assignment for me, which was had to do with reintegration - exactly along the lines I thought of. But it's to be top secret until I complete it.... so I may blog a little on it next week when it is over.
He asked for the letter, to keep in my file and read. After a moments hesitation, I agreed. While I rested during accupunture though, my heart began to race. I felt like I'd left a door to my soul wide open - and it scared the Hell out of me. I was worried, that like most everyone else I'd known, the more he knew, the more he'd retreat, or the more I'd have to put up the armor and retreat myself - neither of which were appealing thoughts to me. Some of the things I wrote would seem out of context without the memories to go with them too.
I asked for the letter back as soon as acupuncture completed. He asked me why, and I told him, as best as I could express at the time. He took a good chunk of time to reassure me, and make me smile and laugh a bit. I know, in the great cosmic scheme of things, it probably doesn't matter - and I'm sure there are people in this world a lot more messed up than me! And as every "layer" has come down off me, so far little has changed as to how they treat me there on my visits (I think it's improved a bit in some respects). Of course, that's what a professional is supposed to do, right? Right.
Still... it meant something to me. Perhaps I concern myself more with them over there than the other way around. But then again, I seem to be having that issue with a lot of people.
Anyway, he did make me feel better about it and I did let the letter go. A little additional treatment and I was on my way. When I got home I got mixed support and criticism over it.
I think I'll get a copy of it back, just for memories sake.
Where the Mind Goes, the (Wo)man Follows
All things considered, there is improvement for me. Overall health has been around 95%. Most of the month I was feeling so good, I actually started to expand my diet a bit to include game meats - I enjoyed the flavor break from chicken, as ostrich tastes much more like beef. I've been able to keep the pH out of the bad acid levels, and the duration and frequency of my pain is better. When it hurts though....ugh! That nice squeaky clean inside didn't last too long...but it is that time of the month again.
This time I was a little bit better prepared for the demon known as PMS. I got Joyce Meyer's "Where the Mind Goes, the Man Follows" tape set, which helped a lot. During the end of the month, I find that silent mediation is virtually impossible because of all the negative inner dialogue (or as I heard from someone recently, "drunken monkeys" - because of the chattering it sounds like). So, taking a cue from Joyce, once I stopped the negative chatter for a bit, I filled my mind & spirit up with positive things.
- I went to a free chamber music concert.
- I took walks in the sun and in the parks.
- Saw a baseball game (gameplay stunk, but at least I spent quality time with my Hubby. The drunken crowd was also entertaining, to say the least)!
- I will be going to Earth Day NY tomorrow.
- Tutored a new student - helping others makes me feel good, at least for a little while.
I also celebrated a wedding anniversary with Hubby. We danced to "our song" and I sang to him.
Despite all this, I still fell apart on Monday - a total breakdown. My "assignments" have been the best and worst things all at once. My work with M- (my counselor, an intuitive healer) has allowed me to get to the deepest, core issues. This is a good thing. But now I'm not entirely sure how to deal with these last, very complicated issues - relationships. I kind of feel like Shrek's onion - the outer layers have been peeled off, and I'm much more like my authentic self- but I don't think most people will like this onion! It should not matter - but somehow it does anyway. I feel nervous and a bit vulnerable, especially as I am trying to make my first attempts to come out of my shell again.
The invites went out. Before they did, I thought really hard about how many people I could invite. My mind started cranking, I was thrilled to have an opportunity to get together with people I care about...I had all sorts of great ideas on what I could do on this day - when I remembered I didn't have a lot of people to invite. Why?
At the beginning of my life, I was isolated. At school age, I had a HUGE social circle, a variety of children from all sorts of cultures and backgrounds, a few very close to me. It was a wonderful time. Once I hit the teens, it fell apart. The social circle became smaller and smaller. I recall many days coming home to cry. I was lonely and isolated again. I tried really hard to "be me", and decided to dive further into my academics and art. If they didn't want me, I didn't want them, I told myself. My attempts to "fit in" just made things worse - like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, it just didn't work. I had to create personas, or build a lot of emotional armor in order to get by. God forbid two people wanted to see me at the same time! Looking back, I probably scared away a lot of potential friends too, because of my intensity. I was like a person in the desert, searching for an oasis - I'd find a pool of water, drink and drink because I was dying of thirst, and realize it was nothing more than a mirage.
It just so happens I stumbled upon chapter 7 in The Highly Sensitive Person book, which deals with this issue. Good timing.
I decided to do several things:
- Break the invites into two kinds: invitations to those I feel I can be my true self in front of - these people were invited to my home for my "me" day and calls for a supportive call/card/letter from more distant acquaintances/family.
- No matter who winds up coming, I plan on filling my home up with quotes/images/things that inspire. Hopefully I will be happy, but at the least, I will not retreat or be ashamed of who I am.
- On this day, I want to symbolically clean my home and my spirit of negative energy, and reintegrate all aspects of myself. I’m thinking of it in terms of Carl Jung's archetypes, or goddesses within. Some parts of me are exaggerated, some parts of repressed. I know it can't be fixed in a day, but I have to start somewhere.
Other than Hubby and my parents, only one person out of 10 has responded to attend. I am grateful that I have one, but I can't help but be saddened. People I thought would stop by... even for a little bit. But I will not allow myself to feel like I have to beg & plead for their attentions. I will just have to work on getting out there, somehow.
Clearing out the people who bring me down sure frees up a lot of room in my heart....I can practically hear an echo!
This time I was a little bit better prepared for the demon known as PMS. I got Joyce Meyer's "Where the Mind Goes, the Man Follows" tape set, which helped a lot. During the end of the month, I find that silent mediation is virtually impossible because of all the negative inner dialogue (or as I heard from someone recently, "drunken monkeys" - because of the chattering it sounds like). So, taking a cue from Joyce, once I stopped the negative chatter for a bit, I filled my mind & spirit up with positive things.
- I went to a free chamber music concert.
- I took walks in the sun and in the parks.
- Saw a baseball game (gameplay stunk, but at least I spent quality time with my Hubby. The drunken crowd was also entertaining, to say the least)!
- I will be going to Earth Day NY tomorrow.
- Tutored a new student - helping others makes me feel good, at least for a little while.
I also celebrated a wedding anniversary with Hubby. We danced to "our song" and I sang to him.
Despite all this, I still fell apart on Monday - a total breakdown. My "assignments" have been the best and worst things all at once. My work with M- (my counselor, an intuitive healer) has allowed me to get to the deepest, core issues. This is a good thing. But now I'm not entirely sure how to deal with these last, very complicated issues - relationships. I kind of feel like Shrek's onion - the outer layers have been peeled off, and I'm much more like my authentic self- but I don't think most people will like this onion! It should not matter - but somehow it does anyway. I feel nervous and a bit vulnerable, especially as I am trying to make my first attempts to come out of my shell again.
The invites went out. Before they did, I thought really hard about how many people I could invite. My mind started cranking, I was thrilled to have an opportunity to get together with people I care about...I had all sorts of great ideas on what I could do on this day - when I remembered I didn't have a lot of people to invite. Why?
At the beginning of my life, I was isolated. At school age, I had a HUGE social circle, a variety of children from all sorts of cultures and backgrounds, a few very close to me. It was a wonderful time. Once I hit the teens, it fell apart. The social circle became smaller and smaller. I recall many days coming home to cry. I was lonely and isolated again. I tried really hard to "be me", and decided to dive further into my academics and art. If they didn't want me, I didn't want them, I told myself. My attempts to "fit in" just made things worse - like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, it just didn't work. I had to create personas, or build a lot of emotional armor in order to get by. God forbid two people wanted to see me at the same time! Looking back, I probably scared away a lot of potential friends too, because of my intensity. I was like a person in the desert, searching for an oasis - I'd find a pool of water, drink and drink because I was dying of thirst, and realize it was nothing more than a mirage.
It just so happens I stumbled upon chapter 7 in The Highly Sensitive Person book, which deals with this issue. Good timing.
I decided to do several things:
- Break the invites into two kinds: invitations to those I feel I can be my true self in front of - these people were invited to my home for my "me" day and calls for a supportive call/card/letter from more distant acquaintances/family.
- No matter who winds up coming, I plan on filling my home up with quotes/images/things that inspire. Hopefully I will be happy, but at the least, I will not retreat or be ashamed of who I am.
- On this day, I want to symbolically clean my home and my spirit of negative energy, and reintegrate all aspects of myself. I’m thinking of it in terms of Carl Jung's archetypes, or goddesses within. Some parts of me are exaggerated, some parts of repressed. I know it can't be fixed in a day, but I have to start somewhere.
Other than Hubby and my parents, only one person out of 10 has responded to attend. I am grateful that I have one, but I can't help but be saddened. People I thought would stop by... even for a little bit. But I will not allow myself to feel like I have to beg & plead for their attentions. I will just have to work on getting out there, somehow.
Clearing out the people who bring me down sure frees up a lot of room in my heart....I can practically hear an echo!
April 21, 2004
Lawn Chemicals Linked to Dog Cancer - U.S. Study
Check it out...
If it's happening to dogs, it's probably happening to humans. One more reason to go organic - or not run your bare feet through the grass anymore! :P
If it's happening to dogs, it's probably happening to humans. One more reason to go organic - or not run your bare feet through the grass anymore! :P
April 15, 2004
Toughest Challenge Yet
Dr. V- ordered a two step plan during my last visit (which went so well - it was the first time I'd seen almost completely clean test results!):
- Write myself a letter about why I love myself, mail it and read it when it arrives. I even have to bring it over as proof I did it!
I found this task very difficult at first. It is easy for me to praise others, but not myself. So I pretended at first I was writing about another person... and then it took off. I mailed it in the best stationary I could create - a nice little guardian angel motif. I even wrote positive messages on the outside. I got it back quickly...but I haven't opened it yet. I don't even remember what's inside.
- Have a "celebrate me" day. I have to contact friends and family I feel comfortable with, get the courage to tell them I need their love and support. I have a party, where everyone shares their best memories about me, and how I have impacted their life, and just support me on that day - no negative talk allowed! Anyone who can't attend should call, or send a card or letter. On this day I go where I want, do what I dream of doing, even eat or buy things I've wanted but put off (the emphasis is not to be on things though, it's on me, and what I love). I'll certainly know who my supports are with this!
At first, I had mixed feelings on the idea - I love gatherings, but have so few people who have the time, common interests, etc to make it work - not to mention, being the sensitive gal that I am, being in the spotlight is the last place I typically want to be! I really want it to work though - so the date is set, come rain or shine. The invites went out via e-mail, entitled "Celebrate the Inner Spirit!" I told them to come bearing their favorite memories & stories, inspiration, a spirit of joy, and anything else felt would be useful.
I don't have too many concrete ideas yet, but I do know I want it to be a symbolic day for reunification and acceptance of all aspects of myself. I want to spend time with nature somehow. I want to be with people who I'll be comfortable with, people I trust - true blue friends. There are very few of those around for me, but I will be grateful for anyone that does come. Got to focus on the full part of the glass.
My dream, as odd as it sounds, is also to tell all these people how much I care about them, how they have impacted my life, and give each of them a hug from the heart. With the exception of my parents and husband, I've barely done such a thing - my deep feeling for others, and my unusual interests has been so misunderstood over the years, I haven't feel free to act since childhood. Besides, most people I know are content to "hang out" and do superficial things. That's ok for me sometimes, but I want to make a deeper connection. I wish I could find more HSPs around me...
I hope it goes well.
Oh yeah - one thing is for sure - all the food at this party will be edible by me.
- Write myself a letter about why I love myself, mail it and read it when it arrives. I even have to bring it over as proof I did it!
I found this task very difficult at first. It is easy for me to praise others, but not myself. So I pretended at first I was writing about another person... and then it took off. I mailed it in the best stationary I could create - a nice little guardian angel motif. I even wrote positive messages on the outside. I got it back quickly...but I haven't opened it yet. I don't even remember what's inside.
- Have a "celebrate me" day. I have to contact friends and family I feel comfortable with, get the courage to tell them I need their love and support. I have a party, where everyone shares their best memories about me, and how I have impacted their life, and just support me on that day - no negative talk allowed! Anyone who can't attend should call, or send a card or letter. On this day I go where I want, do what I dream of doing, even eat or buy things I've wanted but put off (the emphasis is not to be on things though, it's on me, and what I love). I'll certainly know who my supports are with this!
At first, I had mixed feelings on the idea - I love gatherings, but have so few people who have the time, common interests, etc to make it work - not to mention, being the sensitive gal that I am, being in the spotlight is the last place I typically want to be! I really want it to work though - so the date is set, come rain or shine. The invites went out via e-mail, entitled "Celebrate the Inner Spirit!" I told them to come bearing their favorite memories & stories, inspiration, a spirit of joy, and anything else felt would be useful.
I don't have too many concrete ideas yet, but I do know I want it to be a symbolic day for reunification and acceptance of all aspects of myself. I want to spend time with nature somehow. I want to be with people who I'll be comfortable with, people I trust - true blue friends. There are very few of those around for me, but I will be grateful for anyone that does come. Got to focus on the full part of the glass.
My dream, as odd as it sounds, is also to tell all these people how much I care about them, how they have impacted my life, and give each of them a hug from the heart. With the exception of my parents and husband, I've barely done such a thing - my deep feeling for others, and my unusual interests has been so misunderstood over the years, I haven't feel free to act since childhood. Besides, most people I know are content to "hang out" and do superficial things. That's ok for me sometimes, but I want to make a deeper connection. I wish I could find more HSPs around me...
I hope it goes well.
Oh yeah - one thing is for sure - all the food at this party will be edible by me.
April 12, 2004
Cancer from Deodorants
A cousin of mine recently sent this really funny joke about how all these chain letters have prompted avoidance of soda, toilet seats with needles, just about any meat product, and instead give all her money to a sick child that's been 9 years old since the early 90's. Very funny.
Interestingly it mentioned avoiding deodorants entirely and being stinky because of the cancer risk. Obviously a joke leaning on the extreme, but it did ring on a note of truth...
News Article Link
No cancer here, thank God, but I gave up on the store brands for deodorant when I became chemically sensitive. The unscented deodorant crystals do the job just as well, without the uncessary toxins. I don't smell like a rose, or vanilla etc, but I don't stink either.
Interestingly it mentioned avoiding deodorants entirely and being stinky because of the cancer risk. Obviously a joke leaning on the extreme, but it did ring on a note of truth...
News Article Link
No cancer here, thank God, but I gave up on the store brands for deodorant when I became chemically sensitive. The unscented deodorant crystals do the job just as well, without the uncessary toxins. I don't smell like a rose, or vanilla etc, but I don't stink either.
April 09, 2004
USDA Rejects Drug-Laced Rice
Just read this story....
"Pharmaceuticals are experimenting with corn, soybeans, tobacco, rice and sugar crops to find a cheaper way to mass-produce drugs, instead of building more manufacturing plants."
Ugh! If these modified crops get through, I'm going to need a plot of land to grow my own food - or I'm going to have to leave the only country I know and love.... sheesh.
When will these guys stop f-ing with monther nature to save money? It'll come and bite us all in the butt one day.
"Pharmaceuticals are experimenting with corn, soybeans, tobacco, rice and sugar crops to find a cheaper way to mass-produce drugs, instead of building more manufacturing plants."
Ugh! If these modified crops get through, I'm going to need a plot of land to grow my own food - or I'm going to have to leave the only country I know and love.... sheesh.
When will these guys stop f-ing with monther nature to save money? It'll come and bite us all in the butt one day.
April 08, 2004
1,2,3 - Up the Ladder!
You know, one of the things all these books on LGS I've read haven't covered is how the menstual cycle is affected by it. I can tell you, it makes things much worse. The pain was so bad, I wanted to die...no, it's more like I felt I was going to.
Well I made it through again, and combined with the treatments (much more Far Infrared), foods (balancing Alkaline/Acidity now... going to learn more on this subject) and supplements, things are getting back to an upswing. At least treatment still have issues with the duodenum, galbladder & heart, as well as a yeast comeback....but I feel better. Moments free of pain are returning, and the internal bleeding is reducing. I have enough energy to work, plus extra to do the things that really are making me happy.
Been working on the mental stuff, just as I promised myself. I vented about work last time with M- & Dr. V-. I was afraid that saying something might reflect badly on me, but I couldn't keep it in either. I found, once again, they were pretty supportive. I can't go against my nature... when I do it literally hurts. Of course I have to eat, so I gotta work.... I'll work to find coping strategies. I felt justified that the work issues I was upset over were addressed in an entirely different way by someone else yesterday - God is certainly watching over us all.
In order to help defray my medical costs, last night I gave my first computer tutorial to my friend and mentor (I only consider two people to be such a guide in my life). It's the first time I've tutored in over a year and a half. I tried very hard to neither be too nervous or work myself into a frenzy over the visit. I'm proud of me - after a few minutes of jitters, I was my true self, and totally got into the task at hand.
Interestingly, I felt no pain at all during this time. I'm not sure if it was what I was doing, or if there's a subconscious "feel better" vibe around - I think both. Anyway, it felt really good to give back to the world in my own little way.
Well I made it through again, and combined with the treatments (much more Far Infrared), foods (balancing Alkaline/Acidity now... going to learn more on this subject) and supplements, things are getting back to an upswing. At least treatment still have issues with the duodenum, galbladder & heart, as well as a yeast comeback....but I feel better. Moments free of pain are returning, and the internal bleeding is reducing. I have enough energy to work, plus extra to do the things that really are making me happy.
Been working on the mental stuff, just as I promised myself. I vented about work last time with M- & Dr. V-. I was afraid that saying something might reflect badly on me, but I couldn't keep it in either. I found, once again, they were pretty supportive. I can't go against my nature... when I do it literally hurts. Of course I have to eat, so I gotta work.... I'll work to find coping strategies. I felt justified that the work issues I was upset over were addressed in an entirely different way by someone else yesterday - God is certainly watching over us all.
In order to help defray my medical costs, last night I gave my first computer tutorial to my friend and mentor (I only consider two people to be such a guide in my life). It's the first time I've tutored in over a year and a half. I tried very hard to neither be too nervous or work myself into a frenzy over the visit. I'm proud of me - after a few minutes of jitters, I was my true self, and totally got into the task at hand.
Interestingly, I felt no pain at all during this time. I'm not sure if it was what I was doing, or if there's a subconscious "feel better" vibe around - I think both. Anyway, it felt really good to give back to the world in my own little way.
Hallelujah!
This week is extra special for me because it's Holy Week.
Last year I spent the whole week in church services - but since I really shouldn't be around all the foods, candles, etc, I've modified it in a way that makes me just as happy - helping others (tutoring), praying at home, sharing with Hubby during his Seders for Passover (instead of Matzoh & I had gluten free rice crakers and water!), and spending time with family over the weekend coming.
No Cadbury cream eggs, but I have been working on some special Easter egg designs this year... for pysanky. Just can't resist symbolism in art!
Anyway, I love Holy week...it seems like the whole world comes alive in prayer and meditation.
Last year I spent the whole week in church services - but since I really shouldn't be around all the foods, candles, etc, I've modified it in a way that makes me just as happy - helping others (tutoring), praying at home, sharing with Hubby during his Seders for Passover (instead of Matzoh & I had gluten free rice crakers and water!), and spending time with family over the weekend coming.
No Cadbury cream eggs, but I have been working on some special Easter egg designs this year... for pysanky. Just can't resist symbolism in art!
Anyway, I love Holy week...it seems like the whole world comes alive in prayer and meditation.
April 02, 2004
Toxins on the Brain
It's probably because of all the health stuff I've had to deal with, but I noticed "Toxic" has been playing a lot on the radio. I'm not really a Britney fan, but I really do like the song for some odd reason.
April 01, 2004
Geez...
Hubby and I were watching an episode of ST:TNG last night, where an alien was being introduced to dessert. The alien says something to the effect of 'On our planet we only consume for nutrition', so Troi introduced him to the pleasures of dessert.
Hubby says 'wouldn't it be just awful if you could only eat for nutrition?'...'oh-sorry'.
Sigh...
Hubby says 'wouldn't it be just awful if you could only eat for nutrition?'...'oh-sorry'.
Sigh...
