May 31, 2004
The Anger Experiment
We keep chipping away at the emotional issues, while we work on the physical ones. My assignments are to be kept secret, until they are considered over. I'd like now to share my experience with you.
Dr. V- tells me I hold a lot of unexpressed anger inside (and if it isn't coming out, guess where it goes?). The challenge he gave me was to release it in three ways:
- Solo rage: Make an angry face in the mirror. Scream. Yell. Kick the crap out of a pillow (or something else non-breakable). Indoors or outside, just far away from others sight.
- Anger by Tel: You know those annoying telemarketers? Freely express my annoyance at someone like that on the phone. Just make sure it's no one that will ever hear from again.
- Turn the Table - Anger in Public: Go to a distant place where no on knows me. Confront someone in public. An excellent example he shared with me from his own life where he was successful - salesmen who try to give you a raw deal. Since it isn't my story, I will not disclose more, but I will say that he did have me laughing and encouraged.
I was to try to observe my actions from an outside point of view. Easy enough for me - I do that all the time.
To me, it seemed to make sense in concept. However, I still had the sense that, as a woman, I could find more civilized and appropriate ways to achieve my goals, but perhaps that's just me applying what I know others expect a respectable lady to do. When I think of "anger", I tend to think of babies throwing tantrums - it seems to be a useless expenditure of energy that doesn't resolve anything. I was always one for "turn the other cheek", "good karma" and "do unto others as you would have done unto you".
On the other hand, I'm not going to let myself become anyone's doormat either. I know I am all for justice, and fairness for everyone, and if it takes getting mad to accomplish the task, so be it.
You can do anything if you put your mind to it. I was going to give it a try.
Going Solo:
It takes a lot to get me angry, but during PMS, it gets a whole lot easier. I slipped into the role by putting on my favorite metal and alternative tunes. I looked at myself in the mirror, balled my fists, and gave an angry face and growled. Nothing. At first. It seemed so silly I thought I would laugh.
Then, like a sneaking serpent from the depths of the mind, a slew of poisonous thought came my mind. It was as hard as any physical blow could be. It was anger, all right. Normally I fight quite a bit to keep these kind of negative thoughts away - this time I did a little less so, just to "hear it out" from an outside view.
Pathetic....weak, stupid....why bother? Nothing matters, no one really cares...
The anger gave way to a profound despair and sadness - a great sense of loss. Now I let out a sound.... primal...perhaps a cross between a cry and a howl of pain... it is beyond description. To my recollection, I have only made a sound like that four times in my life - memories flooded my mind. I alternated between pounding and hugging my pillow. I brought myself back to composure when I thought Hubby was coming - didn't want him to see me so emotional, and I wanted to be left alone. But I'm sure I'll have to revisit this.
Public:
This experience was most fascinating. I actually did this one second, since the perfect opportunity came up - I was heading to NYC for Earth Day NY anyway, so I thought I'd do a little extra traveling around. My goal was not to start trouble per se, but I knew in the city I was bound to find places for conflict. I was going to use the anger when I needed it.
It is very difficult to appear to be in a mood without becoming it (for example, just try to smile and be sad at the same time - the sadness just starts to melt...). But once again I had my music to "cheer" me on, and I donned black clothing to help me feel the part. I changed my body language - a swift, confident walk. The final catalyst, amongst all the sunshine and spring blossoms, was a guy giving me "the eye". I gave out, in return, what I could only describe as a psychic "get the hell out of my way". Hands open, I created "dark waves" about myself and gave an air of large size. People who were ahead of me got out of my way - several of them stopped and turned around, looking somewhat confused, though I'd never said a word or come in physical contact with them. The only time I shrunk the "waves" was in the presence of animals and children.
It was very effective. Perhaps too much. While the last time brought about more of an angry sadness, this initially brought on a liberating rage. I visualized tearing things apart as I walked past them and delighted. It wasn't real, but it did give me the sense of empowerment, which did carry into reality.
The serpent of thought returned:
"No one controls me....I don't need anyone or anything - F- the world if they don't want me."
I felt disconnected and very connected at the same time. I had a sudden fear that this darkness would poison my body, and my heart began to flutter. I let it go, and relaxed on my way into the city.
Following my time at the show, I walked around town a bit, and found more solid opportunities to use anger in a more effective and practical way. Pushy street vendors and panhandlers, when I was unable to ignore/avoid them (my usual tactic), were given firm "No's" and the same body language I'd used earlier in the day. Easy enough. Then I found my goldmine - a street bazaar.
Colored lights, music from far off lands, and the smell of burning spices filled my senses. Vendors eyed passers by as if they were fresh meat. I took my time, and looked around for things that caught my eye, refusing anyone I didn't care to hear from. Ultimately I found a merchant that sold items I fell in love with. As soon as I lingered and showed interest, she was on the way...
"Isn't that beautiful?... It's all the latest fashion... That would look beautiful on you, why don't you try it on?..."
I was getting overwhelmed. I took a breath, and told her with my best poker face, "Just looking for now". I picked out a few things - only the things I wanted (I said "No" a lot - she would've sold me the store!). Feeling good, I proceeded to ask a few questions (this was a big step for me - I usually feel like I am being an inconvenience when I ask for what I want). At the last moment, I also found a pair of shoes I adored. I hate talking about money issues, but I did not have a lot of cash. And thus, the negotiations began...
Me: ::Glancing at the shoes::
Vendor: Aren't those lovely? They would go nicely with the skirt...
Me: Hmm... yes, they are nice. How much for them?
Vendor: They sell for $35. You know, they are a quite popular style...
Me: ::Giving a closer examination, with a look of disapproval and sigh:: Nice... but not that good...
Vendor: ....Well, normally they are $35, but I can give them to you for... $25.
Me: Let's see. Can I try them on?
Vendor: ::She fits me, and I walk about in them. It becomes a little more obvious that I like them, but I try hard to keep my composure:: You are taking them, right?
Me: ::Taking them off I examine the insides. They are a simple sandal, seemingly handmade:: Well... see here? Right here they feel kind of lumpy. I couldn't put up with that for long! ::Shake head::
::panicking:: Oh no... they will stretch in a few days and feel much better as you wear them!
Me: ::Our eyes meet. She gives a confident smile - I reflect the smile back:: I'll take the shoes and skirt for $30 (the shoes go down to $15).
::Eye contact breaks, and she fidgets nervously:: I'll have to go ask my boss... don't go, I'll be right back.
...And a few minutes later, I walk out with my items at a fair price. I let down my "wall" before I go and sincerely thank her (as she was more helpful than she realized!). Though it wasn't screaming my head off, I think I accomplished the task. Though I didn't feel I needed anyone's approval, I was bursting out of my skin to share with someone. I was so happy, I left a message for Dr. V-.
By Phone:
Funny.. now that I am ready to take on the solicitors, no one seems to be calling me(maybe they're afraid to call me now)!
The two I did were considered the hardest ones to complete, so after reporting to Dr. V- on the experience, we considered this mission accomplished! In the weeks that have past since I started this assignment (I started in late April), I've really stuck up for myself a lot more, and felt "stepped on" much less. As I do it more, it seems to be less often like irrational outbursts, and more like a gentler, compassionate anger for self defense (if that's possible).
On the fun side, I've even gone into a few flea markets to haggle since then... very practical assignment indeed.
Dr. V- tells me I hold a lot of unexpressed anger inside (and if it isn't coming out, guess where it goes?). The challenge he gave me was to release it in three ways:
- Solo rage: Make an angry face in the mirror. Scream. Yell. Kick the crap out of a pillow (or something else non-breakable). Indoors or outside, just far away from others sight.
- Anger by Tel: You know those annoying telemarketers? Freely express my annoyance at someone like that on the phone. Just make sure it's no one that will ever hear from again.
- Turn the Table - Anger in Public: Go to a distant place where no on knows me. Confront someone in public. An excellent example he shared with me from his own life where he was successful - salesmen who try to give you a raw deal. Since it isn't my story, I will not disclose more, but I will say that he did have me laughing and encouraged.
I was to try to observe my actions from an outside point of view. Easy enough for me - I do that all the time.
To me, it seemed to make sense in concept. However, I still had the sense that, as a woman, I could find more civilized and appropriate ways to achieve my goals, but perhaps that's just me applying what I know others expect a respectable lady to do. When I think of "anger", I tend to think of babies throwing tantrums - it seems to be a useless expenditure of energy that doesn't resolve anything. I was always one for "turn the other cheek", "good karma" and "do unto others as you would have done unto you".
On the other hand, I'm not going to let myself become anyone's doormat either. I know I am all for justice, and fairness for everyone, and if it takes getting mad to accomplish the task, so be it.
You can do anything if you put your mind to it. I was going to give it a try.
Going Solo:
It takes a lot to get me angry, but during PMS, it gets a whole lot easier. I slipped into the role by putting on my favorite metal and alternative tunes. I looked at myself in the mirror, balled my fists, and gave an angry face and growled. Nothing. At first. It seemed so silly I thought I would laugh.
Then, like a sneaking serpent from the depths of the mind, a slew of poisonous thought came my mind. It was as hard as any physical blow could be. It was anger, all right. Normally I fight quite a bit to keep these kind of negative thoughts away - this time I did a little less so, just to "hear it out" from an outside view.
Pathetic....weak, stupid....why bother? Nothing matters, no one really cares...
The anger gave way to a profound despair and sadness - a great sense of loss. Now I let out a sound.... primal...perhaps a cross between a cry and a howl of pain... it is beyond description. To my recollection, I have only made a sound like that four times in my life - memories flooded my mind. I alternated between pounding and hugging my pillow. I brought myself back to composure when I thought Hubby was coming - didn't want him to see me so emotional, and I wanted to be left alone. But I'm sure I'll have to revisit this.
Public:
This experience was most fascinating. I actually did this one second, since the perfect opportunity came up - I was heading to NYC for Earth Day NY anyway, so I thought I'd do a little extra traveling around. My goal was not to start trouble per se, but I knew in the city I was bound to find places for conflict. I was going to use the anger when I needed it.
It is very difficult to appear to be in a mood without becoming it (for example, just try to smile and be sad at the same time - the sadness just starts to melt...). But once again I had my music to "cheer" me on, and I donned black clothing to help me feel the part. I changed my body language - a swift, confident walk. The final catalyst, amongst all the sunshine and spring blossoms, was a guy giving me "the eye". I gave out, in return, what I could only describe as a psychic "get the hell out of my way". Hands open, I created "dark waves" about myself and gave an air of large size. People who were ahead of me got out of my way - several of them stopped and turned around, looking somewhat confused, though I'd never said a word or come in physical contact with them. The only time I shrunk the "waves" was in the presence of animals and children.
It was very effective. Perhaps too much. While the last time brought about more of an angry sadness, this initially brought on a liberating rage. I visualized tearing things apart as I walked past them and delighted. It wasn't real, but it did give me the sense of empowerment, which did carry into reality.
The serpent of thought returned:
"No one controls me....I don't need anyone or anything - F- the world if they don't want me."
I felt disconnected and very connected at the same time. I had a sudden fear that this darkness would poison my body, and my heart began to flutter. I let it go, and relaxed on my way into the city.
Following my time at the show, I walked around town a bit, and found more solid opportunities to use anger in a more effective and practical way. Pushy street vendors and panhandlers, when I was unable to ignore/avoid them (my usual tactic), were given firm "No's" and the same body language I'd used earlier in the day. Easy enough. Then I found my goldmine - a street bazaar.
Colored lights, music from far off lands, and the smell of burning spices filled my senses. Vendors eyed passers by as if they were fresh meat. I took my time, and looked around for things that caught my eye, refusing anyone I didn't care to hear from. Ultimately I found a merchant that sold items I fell in love with. As soon as I lingered and showed interest, she was on the way...
"Isn't that beautiful?... It's all the latest fashion... That would look beautiful on you, why don't you try it on?..."
I was getting overwhelmed. I took a breath, and told her with my best poker face, "Just looking for now". I picked out a few things - only the things I wanted (I said "No" a lot - she would've sold me the store!). Feeling good, I proceeded to ask a few questions (this was a big step for me - I usually feel like I am being an inconvenience when I ask for what I want). At the last moment, I also found a pair of shoes I adored. I hate talking about money issues, but I did not have a lot of cash. And thus, the negotiations began...
Me: ::Glancing at the shoes::
Vendor: Aren't those lovely? They would go nicely with the skirt...
Me: Hmm... yes, they are nice. How much for them?
Vendor: They sell for $35. You know, they are a quite popular style...
Me: ::Giving a closer examination, with a look of disapproval and sigh:: Nice... but not that good...
Vendor: ....Well, normally they are $35, but I can give them to you for... $25.
Me: Let's see. Can I try them on?
Vendor: ::She fits me, and I walk about in them. It becomes a little more obvious that I like them, but I try hard to keep my composure:: You are taking them, right?
Me: ::Taking them off I examine the insides. They are a simple sandal, seemingly handmade:: Well... see here? Right here they feel kind of lumpy. I couldn't put up with that for long! ::Shake head::
::panicking:: Oh no... they will stretch in a few days and feel much better as you wear them!
Me: ::Our eyes meet. She gives a confident smile - I reflect the smile back:: I'll take the shoes and skirt for $30 (the shoes go down to $15).
::Eye contact breaks, and she fidgets nervously:: I'll have to go ask my boss... don't go, I'll be right back.
...And a few minutes later, I walk out with my items at a fair price. I let down my "wall" before I go and sincerely thank her (as she was more helpful than she realized!). Though it wasn't screaming my head off, I think I accomplished the task. Though I didn't feel I needed anyone's approval, I was bursting out of my skin to share with someone. I was so happy, I left a message for Dr. V-.
By Phone:
Funny.. now that I am ready to take on the solicitors, no one seems to be calling me(maybe they're afraid to call me now)!
The two I did were considered the hardest ones to complete, so after reporting to Dr. V- on the experience, we considered this mission accomplished! In the weeks that have past since I started this assignment (I started in late April), I've really stuck up for myself a lot more, and felt "stepped on" much less. As I do it more, it seems to be less often like irrational outbursts, and more like a gentler, compassionate anger for self defense (if that's possible).
On the fun side, I've even gone into a few flea markets to haggle since then... very practical assignment indeed.
May 19, 2004
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
To keep on the track to good health, Dr. V- wants me to sleep early, rise early. End chores at 9, no electronics around me on by 10.
In concept, I have no problems with this. I did it last night and woke more refreshed. The issue is that my house was left a wreck, and worse, my Hubby and I are totally on different schedules! He is a total night owl, and loves the TV and computer.
There must be some solution... I don't want to be forced to choose between my health or the health of my marriage!
In concept, I have no problems with this. I did it last night and woke more refreshed. The issue is that my house was left a wreck, and worse, my Hubby and I are totally on different schedules! He is a total night owl, and loves the TV and computer.
There must be some solution... I don't want to be forced to choose between my health or the health of my marriage!
May 16, 2004
Progress and Pain
Everyone agrees I'm a new woman - at least in the mental sense. Some say I have fire in my spirit, others a spark in my eyes, and some simply, "Wow, you are different!"
I've actively looked for opportunities to express myself and enjoy life. Sometimes that has been at home with one of a zillion art projects (I use different media depending on my mood). At times it is in nature - taking in the sun, watching the animals. Other times, it's outside with people. In addition to learning strategies from books on highly sensitive people, I also took a class in "The Art of Networking". I have become very aware of my body language as well as that of others.
I've been actively in touch with those who were a part of my party, and continuing my tutoring gig. This foundation has given me self-confidence to open up to new experiences. I went to a jewelry making class on Thursday, which was oodles of fun for me. I made some conversation mistakes during the evening, but I recovered from them quick and just let the natural me show through. Eventually, I spotted another "shy" lady in the crowd (actually an HSP), and made an acquaintance! Never had that happen so fast before!
Yesterday, I went to an art show, dressed in clothing I felt comfortable, but would be considered unusual. I wore it with confidence, and actually heard people whisper in wonder, as if I were a famous artist myself! I wound up conversing with an artist there who happened to sell jewelry that looked like the symbols I'd used during the "Inner Spirit" party - we talked about all sort of things, but what surprised me was that he thought I was a trend setter. Who knows, maybe I am now!
I think most of my days are celebrations of my inner spirit now - I don't hold anything back.
The only harsh thing is that, unfortunately, it has not changed my weight any - not an ounce. After my trip, Dr. V- is considering some more intense healing methods...I trust him, but I'm still scared. I'd rather not think on it for now.
In addition, the "Hate Letter" has brought up a lot of tough memories - so bad it's causing mini panic attacks and headaches (on top of the ones caused by allergies!). As soon as I got it, I handed it over to the doctor. I hope we start working on it soon.
I've actively looked for opportunities to express myself and enjoy life. Sometimes that has been at home with one of a zillion art projects (I use different media depending on my mood). At times it is in nature - taking in the sun, watching the animals. Other times, it's outside with people. In addition to learning strategies from books on highly sensitive people, I also took a class in "The Art of Networking". I have become very aware of my body language as well as that of others.
I've been actively in touch with those who were a part of my party, and continuing my tutoring gig. This foundation has given me self-confidence to open up to new experiences. I went to a jewelry making class on Thursday, which was oodles of fun for me. I made some conversation mistakes during the evening, but I recovered from them quick and just let the natural me show through. Eventually, I spotted another "shy" lady in the crowd (actually an HSP), and made an acquaintance! Never had that happen so fast before!
Yesterday, I went to an art show, dressed in clothing I felt comfortable, but would be considered unusual. I wore it with confidence, and actually heard people whisper in wonder, as if I were a famous artist myself! I wound up conversing with an artist there who happened to sell jewelry that looked like the symbols I'd used during the "Inner Spirit" party - we talked about all sort of things, but what surprised me was that he thought I was a trend setter. Who knows, maybe I am now!
I think most of my days are celebrations of my inner spirit now - I don't hold anything back.
The only harsh thing is that, unfortunately, it has not changed my weight any - not an ounce. After my trip, Dr. V- is considering some more intense healing methods...I trust him, but I'm still scared. I'd rather not think on it for now.
In addition, the "Hate Letter" has brought up a lot of tough memories - so bad it's causing mini panic attacks and headaches (on top of the ones caused by allergies!). As soon as I got it, I handed it over to the doctor. I hope we start working on it soon.
May 15, 2004
Too Much Sunny Goodness!
It's rare for me to find a food that's good for me that I really like the taste of. I found this raw sunflower butter which is out of this world. I'd been spreading it on crackers and rice cakes, which is a wonderful snack on the road.
I noticed though I was starting to get cravings for it - I suspected a problem. Sure enough today Dr. V- detected a food allergy causing spasms and inflammation. We ran through the list of foods I'd been eating a lot... bingo.
He looked at the product, which seemed to get the thumbs up, but much as I love it, orders are to lay off of it awhile.
I noticed though I was starting to get cravings for it - I suspected a problem. Sure enough today Dr. V- detected a food allergy causing spasms and inflammation. We ran through the list of foods I'd been eating a lot... bingo.
He looked at the product, which seemed to get the thumbs up, but much as I love it, orders are to lay off of it awhile.
May 14, 2004
Americans Shrinking as Junk Food Takes its Toll
Just read this article:
Researchers have made a startling discovery: Americans are shrinking. A nation once famed for its strapping, well-nourished youth is gradually diminishing in physical stature.
By contrast, the heights of men and women from Europe are increasing inexorably....This surprising reappraisal of American and European physiques is the work of researcher John Komlos of Munich University. 'Much of the difference is due to the great social inequality that now exists in the United States,'
Komlos told The Observer last week. 'In Europe, there is - in most
countries - good health service provision for most members of society and plenty of protein in most people's diets. As a result, children do not suffer illnesses that would blight their growth or suffer problems of malnutrition. For that reason, we have continued to grow and grow.'
On the other hand, America has eight million people with no job, 40 million individuals with no health insurance, 35 million living below the poverty line, and a population that exists mainly on junk food. There, the rise in average height that marked its progress as a nation through the 19th and 20th centuries has stopped and has actually reversed - albeit very slightly - in recent years...
Watch out America - you may be supersizing your food and shrinking your bodies! Goodness knows, I can use all the height I can get!
Researchers have made a startling discovery: Americans are shrinking. A nation once famed for its strapping, well-nourished youth is gradually diminishing in physical stature.
By contrast, the heights of men and women from Europe are increasing inexorably....This surprising reappraisal of American and European physiques is the work of researcher John Komlos of Munich University. 'Much of the difference is due to the great social inequality that now exists in the United States,'
Komlos told The Observer last week. 'In Europe, there is - in most
countries - good health service provision for most members of society and plenty of protein in most people's diets. As a result, children do not suffer illnesses that would blight their growth or suffer problems of malnutrition. For that reason, we have continued to grow and grow.'
On the other hand, America has eight million people with no job, 40 million individuals with no health insurance, 35 million living below the poverty line, and a population that exists mainly on junk food. There, the rise in average height that marked its progress as a nation through the 19th and 20th centuries has stopped and has actually reversed - albeit very slightly - in recent years...
Watch out America - you may be supersizing your food and shrinking your bodies! Goodness knows, I can use all the height I can get!
May 12, 2004
Mmmm...Beefalo...
Gave buffalo game meat a shot today. Taste was pretty good, but it didn't go down as well as ostrich. Perhaps it was because it was a whole steak instead of ground - in any case, better than cow - but not good enough to try again until after my trip!
Light Meets Dark: Writing the Other Letter
Now that I had recently read my "Why I love myself" letter, it was time to write the "Why I hate myself" letter - assigned of course. I was to write down the things I hate about me, but also the reasons why this was, and any memories associated with it. I was supposed to forgive each item as well.
Dr. V- told me this would be much harder than the other letter - I didn't believe him (except perhaps about the difficulty of forgiveness) until I actually wrote it today. He didn't want me to until I addressed the memories associated with it first, but I thought I could handle it.
Though I wished I had the blackest paper & envelope, I just decorated the envelope with an image of a fallen angel (opposite of the other letter), all the negative things I call myself and short phrases recalling memories that prompted these names.
Just like the other letter, I had to start as if writing to someone else to get started. This letter was a bit more tangled and rambling, but I think I got my message across. It took all my will power not to break down as I wrote it though. I will need to do more than read this one back I think, though I imagine this one is going to be even harder to read out loud. We'll see how it goes.
Dr. V- told me this would be much harder than the other letter - I didn't believe him (except perhaps about the difficulty of forgiveness) until I actually wrote it today. He didn't want me to until I addressed the memories associated with it first, but I thought I could handle it.
Though I wished I had the blackest paper & envelope, I just decorated the envelope with an image of a fallen angel (opposite of the other letter), all the negative things I call myself and short phrases recalling memories that prompted these names.
Just like the other letter, I had to start as if writing to someone else to get started. This letter was a bit more tangled and rambling, but I think I got my message across. It took all my will power not to break down as I wrote it though. I will need to do more than read this one back I think, though I imagine this one is going to be even harder to read out loud. We'll see how it goes.
Starlight, too bright!
Last week, I mentioned to Dr. V- my Hubby's (and thus my) trouble sleeping. He suggested we flip the shades in our bedroom - too much outside light can interfere with sleep - and more importantly to me, affect the immune system.
So, I tried that, as well as covering up all the blinking electronics in our room. It was at least 30% darker. I just busted out laughing. It was so rediculously simple - how could two inteilligent people like ourselves miss something so obvious?
Oh well...at least we are sleeping a bit better!
So, I tried that, as well as covering up all the blinking electronics in our room. It was at least 30% darker. I just busted out laughing. It was so rediculously simple - how could two inteilligent people like ourselves miss something so obvious?
Oh well...at least we are sleeping a bit better!
May 11, 2004
Whoa There, Little Lady!
While I have found having happy things in my life reduces the pain frequency, I have to put on the breaks a little!
I overscheduled myself a bit, then Hubby, trying to keep a perpetual smile on my face, tried to get me involved in more art projects, in preparation for my first art show (and major trip since before I got ill).
It started to backfire, stress and drain me. So, I'm cutting back a bit, prioritizing, and saying "no" a lot more again - even to myself.
If I can't do it today, there is always tomorrow...
I overscheduled myself a bit, then Hubby, trying to keep a perpetual smile on my face, tried to get me involved in more art projects, in preparation for my first art show (and major trip since before I got ill).
It started to backfire, stress and drain me. So, I'm cutting back a bit, prioritizing, and saying "no" a lot more again - even to myself.
If I can't do it today, there is always tomorrow...
May 10, 2004
Last Word on the Inner Spirit Party
It is unfortunate, but I did not receive any calls or cards from most of the people who I expected - even some who had promised to do so. One relative told me I should be angry with them. I think in the past I might have been, but now... I just look at those relationships as casual acquaintances. It frees more room and time to make new friendships.
A few days after the party, I told V- and I- why I wanted them at the party too. Since I haven't known them quite as long as everyone else, I only got up the gusto to tell them via e-mail- but at least I spoke my heart again.
Now I feel it's all complete!
In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends.
~ J. Churton Collins
A few days after the party, I told V- and I- why I wanted them at the party too. Since I haven't known them quite as long as everyone else, I only got up the gusto to tell them via e-mail- but at least I spoke my heart again.
Now I feel it's all complete!
In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends.
~ J. Churton Collins
Celebrate the Inner Spirit Party: The Party
On May 2nd, I woke and watched the rain gently pitter patter outside for awhile - for me, the rain is a sign of good luck. Taking a deep breath, I got my day started.
W-, my friend, artist and leader of a historical reenactment group I was a part of, came first - and he was early! I asked if they would mind stepping out for a bit - I needed some quiet time alone before the event. Hubby chatted with him outside, as I blessed the house and said prayers and mantras out loud. I felt a lot of bad things had happened in my home, and I wanted to literally clear the air. I do not normally pray out loud, out of respect for my Hubby's faith - but this was "me" day, and I wanted to do it.
When I was done, they came back in (just in time - hubby nearly broke my meditation with an "Are you done yet?"). After getting teased about the smell of the house (it was just sage), I left to change into my party clothes. I changed my mind about outfits and accessories three times during the course of the morning. The first two times I picked items that I liked, but felt was more pleasing to others than myself (for example, "So-and-so got this one for me - she thinks I need to show off more..."). In the end I chose a nice combination of comfort and glitter... what I felt right in. Not too showy or artsy, not too covered up.
As I came out, I overheard my friend say something that really struck a chord in me, basically:
'I'm not feeling well today. I could've cancelled, but there are times when duties to your friends are more important.'
He expressed exactly what I was feeling - everyone's got aches, pains & problems, but sometimes you just have to be there. If everyone waited to not have problems in order to make time for friendship, no one would ever have friends!
My parents and mother-in-law came in a little later. I was showered with happy face balloons. But the joy got sucked away for a moment. Mom was a bit upset when she came in as she'd forgotten some food - she was in pain, and so stressed she could have cried. I thought this was going to go downhill and started to get nervous, but I caught the thought quickly and got in control. I put my best smile forward, and told her not to worry - nothing could be done about it, and we would find a solution for everything.
We gathered in the living room and after a few moments of introductions, they wanted to know what this was all about. I told them, in short, it was a day to be myself - and a day for them to be themselves too!
"While I wouldn't ask for this to happen to me, this illness has helped me reevaluate my life. I know what's happened in my past - I am trying to reframe it and not dwell. And I don't know what's going to happen to me in 5 years, months or even seconds from now, so I better enjoy the moment!"
I felt it would be easier to share my thoughts and feelings if others opened up too. To get them to start thinking about how they see themselves in a positive light, I asked them to sign in on a big poster board, with the title of "What's your logo?". On it was written:
We are all given labels, by oursleves and the world around us. They can be positive, providing organization and unity, or negative, locking us into a tight mold (stereotype).
Thinking of the positive attributes you have, sign your name and put a logo beside it! Remember it's how you see yourself!
It was fascinating to see the results. The colors people chose, how they wrote their name (I used to be a handwriting analyst when I was very young), and the logos - amazing. The artists of the group took to it easily - the non-artists were more reluctant, but with encouragement and reassurance that this was NOT an art contest, they came to the board too. Afterward we discussed what each logo meant to them. I would have to say that everyone, in some way, subconsciously demonstrated both a positive & negative side to themselves in their work, but verbally emphasized the happy side of their logo - including me (a cartoon of an girl with a large head, dancing, eyes looking up, big heart on her shirt, and a magical paint brush).
After more snacks and chat, they inquired about the archetype table display. This was tougher. I tried to express how I felt shattered a bit, some bits overexpressed, some repressed...I wanted them to witness me put myself back together again on this day.
I felt drawn to explain how it related to them. One of my goals was to tell them why I wanted each one of these people specifically at this event - how they make me feel like I can be my true self around them:
I felt liberated, but since this was unrehearsed and revealing, I got quite shaky. I wrung my hands as I realized everyone was watching me. Hubby caught it too, and held my hand. When I finished, I noticed that the eyes that were on me were not harsh or judgmental (what I was bracing for, I suppose) - they looked softened, somehow. Later, I was told by one of them that they were trying not to cry!
Then it was time for them to share stories about me! Family stories, baby clothing, and photos came out - including the obligatory baby bottom shot. Fate decided that my cousin G- should call at just the right moment. She lives halfway across the country, but I had her become part of the party by putting her on speaker phone, and describing what was happening. She got immersed in the conversation as if she were here with us. Just like the others, she plays "what's your logo", using me as her hands. A short time later, I tell her why I invited her: We're like sisters, and together, we experience and learn together. We've stuck by each other though everything. After sharing a few more memories and laughs with the group, she tells me her plans for a new career (which most object to). I tell her to follow her heart and give it a try. After all, she has to be herself too!
It was W-'s turn to share videos of past in the club... friendship memories. It was a little strange to see myself, they way I used to look before I got ill, but today, it didn't upset me as it would have in the past. That was then, this is now, and I felt content (it's still the same "me" inside)! After awhile, I brought everyone back to the present moment.
We had a wonderful organic lunch (they did have soda, but I didn't feel left out at all). Eating socially was a bit of a trick for me, as I usually need to be very mindful not to get stressed - that always seems to be the time people choose to debate! I think I did alright, but will need to work on this issue (hopefully I will have more chances)!
We wound things down with a last activity - art therapy posters. I laid large sheets of newsprint on the table and asked them to please leave with me a lasting memory of the day to look back on, especially on those days I feel alone and sad. I told them they could use any art medium they chose and could write or draw - but whatever it is, I need it to be a happy message:
"What images/words would cheer you up?"
It took a moment to think about, but eventually everyone got into the act, and we were on a roll. When everyone was comfortable enough, we even poked fun as some of the more odd looking doodles and sculptures.
While it was going on, I played music in the background to get our minds stimulated. Unlike regular art therapy classes though, I played my "theme songs" in the back. These were songs from all genres which I felt either express who I was, or just cheered me up (stuff like Green Day's "Minority", Bobby Mc Ferrin's "Don't Worry, be Happy", and Evanescence's "Bring me to Life" for example).
Things were winding down, and it was just about time to eat dinner. We get a ring at doorbell...surprised & hopeful, I go get it myself. There stood Dr. V- and I- (his significant other who runs the medical facility - and one of my students) holding a stuffed toy flower and a plant. They made time for me even though they'd just came from a conference. I was so overwhelmed with joy, I was at a loss for words. It was the icing on the cake of this day.
Me: "Holy s---!"
I-: "We heard there was a party here!"
Now, I almost never curse - Hubby later told me he heard me all the way upstairs - and thought it was very funny.
I gave each one a hug and kiss, and the moment I did so, a great weight was lifted off my heart. They came as friends. I cared for them so much, and wanted to consider myself their friend, but was never entirely certain if they were just being kind and professional and I was merely projecting things I wanted, because I'd been so introverted and isolated by my illness. It had been tough trying to hold it in. I was glad I was wrong this time!
After introductions and a few minutes of settling in, we all ate dinner (ostrich casserole - but I don't think Hubby told anyone that!). V- and I- "signed in" just like everyone else, and they saw a little bit of the photos and video memories. They saw my art - including some art I'd been hiding from them. Actually, everyone who looked at my art through the day specifically saw at least one piece I was afraid, but wanted them to see. I started to knock my work a bit (old habits die hard), but that got stopped quickly - Hubby wouldn't let me minimize my art (or myself)!
I realized that, other than a few "wow's" and "I've never seen that one before" comments, they all had their own interpretations of my art work. They didn't know the memories behind them, no one was shocked, no one was offended. No more worries. Another hurdle jumped, with a little help.
In the end, everyone got along so well, there was talk of getting together again - during our next reenactment event! I hope it happens.
Before everyone left, we took a group photo outside - one last memento of the day. I spent time with each person, thanking each one, getting parting words of hope, support, and a generous dose of hugs and kisses.
I came upstairs to decompress. This event had been a long time in preparation, and it had been an exciting day. It would take a few days to digest the whole experience. I listened to soft music, and watched my beeswax candles melt away with the time.
Before I ended the night, I sat in front of my archetype cards and made promises to myself regarding each. I looked at each aspect, the strong and the weak in me, and prayed to find balance.
Self-preservation: I held earth in my hand.
Self-gratification: I drank pure water.
Self-definition: I lit a candle.
Self-acceptance & love: I breathed the free air, deeply in and out.
Self-expression and creativity: I played a note on an instrument.
Self-reflection and thought: I reflected the light of the flame on a mirror to see myself as I am now.
Self-knowledge: I traced my hand across a medieval labyrinth, and said:
God, I can't see where I am going. The path is twisted and confusing to me sometimes. But you know the way, and with your help, I will reach the goal I am meant to reach.
I went to bed, at peace.
Relationships are a give and take thing. Now I know who wants to share as equals, and who loves me just as I am now - and accept me as I change through the years too. I in turn, know now where my love and energy will go more to - these are the relationships I will develop.
Hubby says I probably gained 10 lbs that day. I don't think that's the truth, but I feel bigger in spirit if nothing else.
W-, my friend, artist and leader of a historical reenactment group I was a part of, came first - and he was early! I asked if they would mind stepping out for a bit - I needed some quiet time alone before the event. Hubby chatted with him outside, as I blessed the house and said prayers and mantras out loud. I felt a lot of bad things had happened in my home, and I wanted to literally clear the air. I do not normally pray out loud, out of respect for my Hubby's faith - but this was "me" day, and I wanted to do it.
When I was done, they came back in (just in time - hubby nearly broke my meditation with an "Are you done yet?"). After getting teased about the smell of the house (it was just sage), I left to change into my party clothes. I changed my mind about outfits and accessories three times during the course of the morning. The first two times I picked items that I liked, but felt was more pleasing to others than myself (for example, "So-and-so got this one for me - she thinks I need to show off more..."). In the end I chose a nice combination of comfort and glitter... what I felt right in. Not too showy or artsy, not too covered up.
As I came out, I overheard my friend say something that really struck a chord in me, basically:
'I'm not feeling well today. I could've cancelled, but there are times when duties to your friends are more important.'
He expressed exactly what I was feeling - everyone's got aches, pains & problems, but sometimes you just have to be there. If everyone waited to not have problems in order to make time for friendship, no one would ever have friends!
My parents and mother-in-law came in a little later. I was showered with happy face balloons. But the joy got sucked away for a moment. Mom was a bit upset when she came in as she'd forgotten some food - she was in pain, and so stressed she could have cried. I thought this was going to go downhill and started to get nervous, but I caught the thought quickly and got in control. I put my best smile forward, and told her not to worry - nothing could be done about it, and we would find a solution for everything.
We gathered in the living room and after a few moments of introductions, they wanted to know what this was all about. I told them, in short, it was a day to be myself - and a day for them to be themselves too!
"While I wouldn't ask for this to happen to me, this illness has helped me reevaluate my life. I know what's happened in my past - I am trying to reframe it and not dwell. And I don't know what's going to happen to me in 5 years, months or even seconds from now, so I better enjoy the moment!"
I felt it would be easier to share my thoughts and feelings if others opened up too. To get them to start thinking about how they see themselves in a positive light, I asked them to sign in on a big poster board, with the title of "What's your logo?". On it was written:
We are all given labels, by oursleves and the world around us. They can be positive, providing organization and unity, or negative, locking us into a tight mold (stereotype).
Thinking of the positive attributes you have, sign your name and put a logo beside it! Remember it's how you see yourself!
It was fascinating to see the results. The colors people chose, how they wrote their name (I used to be a handwriting analyst when I was very young), and the logos - amazing. The artists of the group took to it easily - the non-artists were more reluctant, but with encouragement and reassurance that this was NOT an art contest, they came to the board too. Afterward we discussed what each logo meant to them. I would have to say that everyone, in some way, subconsciously demonstrated both a positive & negative side to themselves in their work, but verbally emphasized the happy side of their logo - including me (a cartoon of an girl with a large head, dancing, eyes looking up, big heart on her shirt, and a magical paint brush).
After more snacks and chat, they inquired about the archetype table display. This was tougher. I tried to express how I felt shattered a bit, some bits overexpressed, some repressed...I wanted them to witness me put myself back together again on this day.
I felt drawn to explain how it related to them. One of my goals was to tell them why I wanted each one of these people specifically at this event - how they make me feel like I can be my true self around them:
- W- the only male that can compliment me besides Hubby that I don't squirm away from (so much). I can feel pretty, but still be respected. I told him how the club he runs also helped express myself. I thought it was be "pretending to be someone else" for a day, but I think it was just me all along.
- Dad - He inspired me to achieve. This is a trait in that is very much expressed and encouraged, and I have no regrets about it.
- Mom - My creativity comes from her, and so does my big heart.. my deep love and compassion for others.
- Mother-in-Law - She's a tough cookie. No matter what the obstacles, she does what she has to do, no matter what people think.
I felt liberated, but since this was unrehearsed and revealing, I got quite shaky. I wrung my hands as I realized everyone was watching me. Hubby caught it too, and held my hand. When I finished, I noticed that the eyes that were on me were not harsh or judgmental (what I was bracing for, I suppose) - they looked softened, somehow. Later, I was told by one of them that they were trying not to cry!
Then it was time for them to share stories about me! Family stories, baby clothing, and photos came out - including the obligatory baby bottom shot. Fate decided that my cousin G- should call at just the right moment. She lives halfway across the country, but I had her become part of the party by putting her on speaker phone, and describing what was happening. She got immersed in the conversation as if she were here with us. Just like the others, she plays "what's your logo", using me as her hands. A short time later, I tell her why I invited her: We're like sisters, and together, we experience and learn together. We've stuck by each other though everything. After sharing a few more memories and laughs with the group, she tells me her plans for a new career (which most object to). I tell her to follow her heart and give it a try. After all, she has to be herself too!
It was W-'s turn to share videos of past in the club... friendship memories. It was a little strange to see myself, they way I used to look before I got ill, but today, it didn't upset me as it would have in the past. That was then, this is now, and I felt content (it's still the same "me" inside)! After awhile, I brought everyone back to the present moment.
We had a wonderful organic lunch (they did have soda, but I didn't feel left out at all). Eating socially was a bit of a trick for me, as I usually need to be very mindful not to get stressed - that always seems to be the time people choose to debate! I think I did alright, but will need to work on this issue (hopefully I will have more chances)!
We wound things down with a last activity - art therapy posters. I laid large sheets of newsprint on the table and asked them to please leave with me a lasting memory of the day to look back on, especially on those days I feel alone and sad. I told them they could use any art medium they chose and could write or draw - but whatever it is, I need it to be a happy message:
"What images/words would cheer you up?"
It took a moment to think about, but eventually everyone got into the act, and we were on a roll. When everyone was comfortable enough, we even poked fun as some of the more odd looking doodles and sculptures.
While it was going on, I played music in the background to get our minds stimulated. Unlike regular art therapy classes though, I played my "theme songs" in the back. These were songs from all genres which I felt either express who I was, or just cheered me up (stuff like Green Day's "Minority", Bobby Mc Ferrin's "Don't Worry, be Happy", and Evanescence's "Bring me to Life" for example).
Things were winding down, and it was just about time to eat dinner. We get a ring at doorbell...surprised & hopeful, I go get it myself. There stood Dr. V- and I- (his significant other who runs the medical facility - and one of my students) holding a stuffed toy flower and a plant. They made time for me even though they'd just came from a conference. I was so overwhelmed with joy, I was at a loss for words. It was the icing on the cake of this day.
Me: "Holy s---!"
I-: "We heard there was a party here!"
Now, I almost never curse - Hubby later told me he heard me all the way upstairs - and thought it was very funny.
I gave each one a hug and kiss, and the moment I did so, a great weight was lifted off my heart. They came as friends. I cared for them so much, and wanted to consider myself their friend, but was never entirely certain if they were just being kind and professional and I was merely projecting things I wanted, because I'd been so introverted and isolated by my illness. It had been tough trying to hold it in. I was glad I was wrong this time!
After introductions and a few minutes of settling in, we all ate dinner (ostrich casserole - but I don't think Hubby told anyone that!). V- and I- "signed in" just like everyone else, and they saw a little bit of the photos and video memories. They saw my art - including some art I'd been hiding from them. Actually, everyone who looked at my art through the day specifically saw at least one piece I was afraid, but wanted them to see. I started to knock my work a bit (old habits die hard), but that got stopped quickly - Hubby wouldn't let me minimize my art (or myself)!
I realized that, other than a few "wow's" and "I've never seen that one before" comments, they all had their own interpretations of my art work. They didn't know the memories behind them, no one was shocked, no one was offended. No more worries. Another hurdle jumped, with a little help.
In the end, everyone got along so well, there was talk of getting together again - during our next reenactment event! I hope it happens.
Before everyone left, we took a group photo outside - one last memento of the day. I spent time with each person, thanking each one, getting parting words of hope, support, and a generous dose of hugs and kisses.
I came upstairs to decompress. This event had been a long time in preparation, and it had been an exciting day. It would take a few days to digest the whole experience. I listened to soft music, and watched my beeswax candles melt away with the time.
Before I ended the night, I sat in front of my archetype cards and made promises to myself regarding each. I looked at each aspect, the strong and the weak in me, and prayed to find balance.
Self-preservation: I held earth in my hand.
Self-gratification: I drank pure water.
Self-definition: I lit a candle.
Self-acceptance & love: I breathed the free air, deeply in and out.
Self-expression and creativity: I played a note on an instrument.
Self-reflection and thought: I reflected the light of the flame on a mirror to see myself as I am now.
Self-knowledge: I traced my hand across a medieval labyrinth, and said:
God, I can't see where I am going. The path is twisted and confusing to me sometimes. But you know the way, and with your help, I will reach the goal I am meant to reach.
I went to bed, at peace.
Relationships are a give and take thing. Now I know who wants to share as equals, and who loves me just as I am now - and accept me as I change through the years too. I in turn, know now where my love and energy will go more to - these are the relationships I will develop.
Hubby says I probably gained 10 lbs that day. I don't think that's the truth, but I feel bigger in spirit if nothing else.
Celebrate the Inner Spirit Party: The Preparation
Wow... what an experience. Let me tell you what happened in the days before the party:
Friday (4/30):
I since a bunch of people had not responded at all to my invite, I decided that perhaps the best thing to do was give a call, and invite them by phone - in case they hadn't check their e-mail. I had to convince myself it wasn't me giving a call of desperation or pleading, it was me giving them another shot. Maybe they didn't get the messages before. Or perhaps they didn't realize how important their support was to me.
Of those, only one I got through to on the phone - he basically told me he was too busy with his own problems. Hubby rationalized this was true for most of the people. One the one hand, I understood his and the others reasons, but I thought to myself that if everyone waited not to have problems in order to make time for friendship, no one would ever have friends!
I went through with my plan to prepare. Hubby was in charge of making meals (special party food I -and anyone else - could eat), so he worked on the meal plan. In the meanwhile, I was in charge of decor, some of which I had been thinking on for awhile. For me, I decided it was soul bearing, get it out of your system time - and if I scared anyone away (my big fear) so be it. I'm a very creative person, so I designed and printed out several items:
Stuff that reflected my goofy nature:
A lot of people labeled me "weird" or "strange". I used to take it badly, but now I'm wearing it with a grin. I created large signs based on the stickers I found in the Happy Mutants Handbook with a twist:
Then I created a more serious table display, on healing & unification of the woman's spirit (I feel some aspects of me are overemphasized, while some are very repressed). It combined everything I learned from a bunch of sources - Carl Jung's archetypes, The Wild Woman, Goddesses and Myths, Chakras...put it all together with the help of some helpful texts on the web to aid me in what I was trying to convey. Here they are:
Beside each one of these I chose a photo of a goddess I thought appropriate, from a large spread of cultures, listed the matching chakra, color and element. I included a description of why each was there.
Saturday:
In the morning, Hubby surprised me with the gift of new art tools, complete with framing material, my first artist easel and a palette! Apparently last night he had a dream I'd created a masterpiece. He decided I'd been "making do" for far too long, and deserved to express myself as I want to. I was nervous about the cost of all this (and whether or not I'd make a masterpiece!), but he would not allow me to look at pricing.
When we got back, I cleaned like crazy while Hubby cooked up a storm. Since I'd gotten all this nice art material, I hung my best sketches paintings, and sculpture. Though some were published outside through an anonymous process, I hadn't displayed my own work in my own home in years. To me, this was yet another soul-sharing moment - all of the works I put up had a big story to them (usually bittersweet); the only items I did not bring out were worked that were "angry" or "negative".
I didn't want to over prepare, but I knew that being totally spontaneous would be too stressing to my sensitive soul. I planned activities in case no one knew what to do, got some music together, then crashed in bed.
I was cool as a cucumber up until bedtime. On top of springtime allergies leaving my throat as dry as the desert, I woke up several times in the night with my heart racing. What if they don't like what they see? Will they think I've gone over the top? Will I scare them away? Maybe they'll think it's just some phase I'm going through?
I stopped the thoughts by going through each item I planned, and asked myself "Who are you doing this for?" Anything that made me feel good, I kept. Anything that was unclear was chucked. That settled, I drifted into dream land with anticipation of what the day might bring.
Friday (4/30):
I since a bunch of people had not responded at all to my invite, I decided that perhaps the best thing to do was give a call, and invite them by phone - in case they hadn't check their e-mail. I had to convince myself it wasn't me giving a call of desperation or pleading, it was me giving them another shot. Maybe they didn't get the messages before. Or perhaps they didn't realize how important their support was to me.
Of those, only one I got through to on the phone - he basically told me he was too busy with his own problems. Hubby rationalized this was true for most of the people. One the one hand, I understood his and the others reasons, but I thought to myself that if everyone waited not to have problems in order to make time for friendship, no one would ever have friends!
I went through with my plan to prepare. Hubby was in charge of making meals (special party food I -and anyone else - could eat), so he worked on the meal plan. In the meanwhile, I was in charge of decor, some of which I had been thinking on for awhile. For me, I decided it was soul bearing, get it out of your system time - and if I scared anyone away (my big fear) so be it. I'm a very creative person, so I designed and printed out several items:
Stuff that reflected my goofy nature:
A lot of people labeled me "weird" or "strange". I used to take it badly, but now I'm wearing it with a grin. I created large signs based on the stickers I found in the Happy Mutants Handbook with a twist:
- Support Mutation: Survival of any species over time depends on reserves of mutants capable of exploiting or resisting opportunities.
- Surgeon Admirals Warning: Conformity causes unconsciousness, boredom, and may lead to a persistent vegetative dream-state.
- Caution: Large Mind Sector - Displays of enlightenment may carry risks for individuals.
Then I created a more serious table display, on healing & unification of the woman's spirit (I feel some aspects of me are overemphasized, while some are very repressed). It combined everything I learned from a bunch of sources - Carl Jung's archetypes, The Wild Woman, Goddesses and Myths, Chakras...put it all together with the help of some helpful texts on the web to aid me in what I was trying to convey. Here they are:
- Self-preservation
- Self-gratification
- Self-definition
- Self-acceptance & love
- Self-expression and creativity
- Self-reflection and thought
- Self-knowledge
Beside each one of these I chose a photo of a goddess I thought appropriate, from a large spread of cultures, listed the matching chakra, color and element. I included a description of why each was there.
Saturday:
In the morning, Hubby surprised me with the gift of new art tools, complete with framing material, my first artist easel and a palette! Apparently last night he had a dream I'd created a masterpiece. He decided I'd been "making do" for far too long, and deserved to express myself as I want to. I was nervous about the cost of all this (and whether or not I'd make a masterpiece!), but he would not allow me to look at pricing.
When we got back, I cleaned like crazy while Hubby cooked up a storm. Since I'd gotten all this nice art material, I hung my best sketches paintings, and sculpture. Though some were published outside through an anonymous process, I hadn't displayed my own work in my own home in years. To me, this was yet another soul-sharing moment - all of the works I put up had a big story to them (usually bittersweet); the only items I did not bring out were worked that were "angry" or "negative".
I didn't want to over prepare, but I knew that being totally spontaneous would be too stressing to my sensitive soul. I planned activities in case no one knew what to do, got some music together, then crashed in bed.
I was cool as a cucumber up until bedtime. On top of springtime allergies leaving my throat as dry as the desert, I woke up several times in the night with my heart racing. What if they don't like what they see? Will they think I've gone over the top? Will I scare them away? Maybe they'll think it's just some phase I'm going through?
I stopped the thoughts by going through each item I planned, and asked myself "Who are you doing this for?" Anything that made me feel good, I kept. Anything that was unclear was chucked. That settled, I drifted into dream land with anticipation of what the day might bring.
May 04, 2004
The Love Letter Revisited - and More
Today Dr. V- had me read the letter on why I love myself read out loud to him, and then it was returned to me. If I had done this last week, I would've been a nervous wreck - now I didn't mind it at all.
In other news, I'm making a switch from ground flax for omega 3's to fish oil. I'll have the flax when I want to, but this fish oil is supposed to be more effective in getting my body into shape. This one is supposed to be from wild fish only, checked for toxins, and is not in a rancid capsule form. The taste is...well...at least better than others I've tasted!
I am able to run short distances now - just because I feel like it. Go me.
In other news, I'm making a switch from ground flax for omega 3's to fish oil. I'll have the flax when I want to, but this fish oil is supposed to be more effective in getting my body into shape. This one is supposed to be from wild fish only, checked for toxins, and is not in a rancid capsule form. The taste is...well...at least better than others I've tasted!
I am able to run short distances now - just because I feel like it. Go me.
May 02, 2004
An Appropriate Thought on Friendship
Got this in my e-mail tonight - how apropo for today!
TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:
Real friendship is exchanging secrets, rolling over
like a puppy and exposing the soft underbelly. You
tell your friend the truth, and you feel the
friendship growing - like a bank account - with each
upfront opinion you give, with each honest answer you
hear.
~ Adair Lara
TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:
Real friendship is exchanging secrets, rolling over
like a puppy and exposing the soft underbelly. You
tell your friend the truth, and you feel the
friendship growing - like a bank account - with each
upfront opinion you give, with each honest answer you
hear.
~ Adair Lara
The Party's Over!
I would say it was successful - it sure made me happy...wish I could have more days like this. Not going to dwell on the past, but.... I think I'll bask in the glow a bit. :)
I'll give the whole story later, I have to rest and compose my thoughts!
I'll give the whole story later, I have to rest and compose my thoughts!
