July 29, 2004
Ch-ch-changes!
Well, lots has happened over the past weeks. Today my friend D- left today, and with him, I suppose, did many a wild and fun outing.
But life is not status quo for me...I now am strong enough to work a second job. My dreams are coming true... as of last Saturday, I've started my first steps into a career in health and wellness - and surprisingly, administration! It's a big responsibility, and I'm a little scared, but I believe I can handle it. So far, everything is working well.
At least at work. The changes have caused turmoil on the home front, as I've been changing my lifestyle. They've had to clean a lot of vials at the clinic, and my digestion has been messy from the nerves. I've wound up with pain in my face, and had to have it looked at.
M- tells me it is in part to do with the recent car accident pinching a nerve in my back, but also stress from inner conflicts... wanting to be free, things to stay the same & change at the same time...being fiercely loyal...
Well, they took good care of me, and at the end of a very emotional night, I tried to relax and let it go. Later, I've found these links to be helpful:
Stress relief, more stress relief, and facial massage.
But life is not status quo for me...I now am strong enough to work a second job. My dreams are coming true... as of last Saturday, I've started my first steps into a career in health and wellness - and surprisingly, administration! It's a big responsibility, and I'm a little scared, but I believe I can handle it. So far, everything is working well.
At least at work. The changes have caused turmoil on the home front, as I've been changing my lifestyle. They've had to clean a lot of vials at the clinic, and my digestion has been messy from the nerves. I've wound up with pain in my face, and had to have it looked at.
M- tells me it is in part to do with the recent car accident pinching a nerve in my back, but also stress from inner conflicts... wanting to be free, things to stay the same & change at the same time...being fiercely loyal...
Well, they took good care of me, and at the end of a very emotional night, I tried to relax and let it go. Later, I've found these links to be helpful:
Stress relief, more stress relief, and facial massage.
July 16, 2004
Life's a Beach
I definitely do not want to subject myself to the toxic soup known as a pool, so I plan to head out to the beach. Choosing one can be tricky though, because although I find the fresh water to be therapeutic, many beaches are gummed up with pollution & bacteria - not what I need! So I found this website to help me locate well tested waters.
NRDC: Guide to Water Quality at U.S. Beaches
NRDC: Guide to Water Quality at U.S. Beaches
July 11, 2004
The "I Love..." Assignment
There I am, lying on the table at the clinic just a few short weeks ago, mourning over the loss of a friend, topped with PMS depression. It was too much, and I had a seizure from the stress. I felt horrible - I was supposed to be strong for my friends, and was a mess instead. I was totally ashamed. As soon as my speech returned, my first words were "I'm sorry..."
But then I heard something that took the shame away:
We love you!
It was then etched in my mind, and gave me peace.
A few days later, I returned, bearing a gift that I'd made almost three months prior as my way of expressing my love, blessings, prayers and thanks. After a long explanation, I finally said, "I love you too". It's amazing how long I held that back, but there were plenty of reasons why that was so.
In short, I wound up with a new assignment: to say "I love..." (or "we love" if that made it easier) to other friends and the guys at work. As usual, I was to just play and pretend, and step outside myself to see how the situation works out.
It had been disastrous, up until yesterday. I psyched myself up, put on my nicest clothing and looked for an opportunity. At first, the responses simply to my happy mood and better dressing wound up with overwhelming response...but not the kind I was looking for. Then I couldn't say what I needed because I felt the "love" in those moments either had the wrong connotation or...gave me the sense that I was saying 'I submit' or 'give up/in'. I didn't like that! It had to be genuine, it had to be pure, and it had to be in a situation I didn't think I'd be taken advantage of.
Every time I failed at this project, one of three things occurred: the other person said something out of character that made me feel bad; I severely punished myself after liking the attention; I regressed into 'little girl mode' to cope.
I was so upset about it, at my last visit, I told Dr. V- I couldn't do it just yet. I think he was a little surprised, maybe disappointed. The best I could do was give regular expressions of gratitude - which still was a good step, I suppose. I would keep that up.
Last weekend though I supposed it started to click. I meditated in St. Patrick's cathedral, and prayed (amongst other things) to let go, trust others and myself... to freely accept all feelings within...to free me from my self-imposed prison of perfection attempts.
I then had an overall wonderful week... shopping with new acquaintances, celebrated the 4th, worked on building my education and career, and most importantly, strengthened the bonds with my closest friends. There was a bit of a dance I suppose, both sides trying to get accustomed to a slightly more open me - but the exchanges of energy with them (that's the best words to describe it) made it a risk that was worthwhile. So far, no one has run away in terror, all I have to do is hold my ground.
Last night I went out with Hubby and two friends. Unfortunately, dinner outside got me sick, so we had to call it quits outside early. But in the end, it turned out for the best.
We stayed overnight at D-'s home, Hubby and I in one twin bed, D- across the way. It was like a slumber party in a way...we talked and talked, and eventually got into a very honest and humorous debate/discussion on the nature of male/female friendships. Perhaps it was the darkness that gave us the courage to speak so freely.
After awhile, we all got lost in thought and exhaustion. It was quiet....
Hubby (in a silly voice): "I love you D-, good night..." *laughter*
...and there was my opening. After a few laughs and grumbles, I said, half serious, half joking:
"We love you, D-..."
Am I done with this assignment, or is this just the beginning? We'll see.
It seems that breaking through these emotional blocks is helping me physically. I'm at 94 lbs now. I still am having some allergic reactions, pains and spasms, but they are short term. Anyway, my quality of life is much better, and for that I thank God. My soul is singing.
But then I heard something that took the shame away:
We love you!
It was then etched in my mind, and gave me peace.
A few days later, I returned, bearing a gift that I'd made almost three months prior as my way of expressing my love, blessings, prayers and thanks. After a long explanation, I finally said, "I love you too". It's amazing how long I held that back, but there were plenty of reasons why that was so.
In short, I wound up with a new assignment: to say "I love..." (or "we love" if that made it easier) to other friends and the guys at work. As usual, I was to just play and pretend, and step outside myself to see how the situation works out.
It had been disastrous, up until yesterday. I psyched myself up, put on my nicest clothing and looked for an opportunity. At first, the responses simply to my happy mood and better dressing wound up with overwhelming response...but not the kind I was looking for. Then I couldn't say what I needed because I felt the "love" in those moments either had the wrong connotation or...gave me the sense that I was saying 'I submit' or 'give up/in'. I didn't like that! It had to be genuine, it had to be pure, and it had to be in a situation I didn't think I'd be taken advantage of.
Every time I failed at this project, one of three things occurred: the other person said something out of character that made me feel bad; I severely punished myself after liking the attention; I regressed into 'little girl mode' to cope.
I was so upset about it, at my last visit, I told Dr. V- I couldn't do it just yet. I think he was a little surprised, maybe disappointed. The best I could do was give regular expressions of gratitude - which still was a good step, I suppose. I would keep that up.
Last weekend though I supposed it started to click. I meditated in St. Patrick's cathedral, and prayed (amongst other things) to let go, trust others and myself... to freely accept all feelings within...to free me from my self-imposed prison of perfection attempts.
I then had an overall wonderful week... shopping with new acquaintances, celebrated the 4th, worked on building my education and career, and most importantly, strengthened the bonds with my closest friends. There was a bit of a dance I suppose, both sides trying to get accustomed to a slightly more open me - but the exchanges of energy with them (that's the best words to describe it) made it a risk that was worthwhile. So far, no one has run away in terror, all I have to do is hold my ground.
Last night I went out with Hubby and two friends. Unfortunately, dinner outside got me sick, so we had to call it quits outside early. But in the end, it turned out for the best.
We stayed overnight at D-'s home, Hubby and I in one twin bed, D- across the way. It was like a slumber party in a way...we talked and talked, and eventually got into a very honest and humorous debate/discussion on the nature of male/female friendships. Perhaps it was the darkness that gave us the courage to speak so freely.
After awhile, we all got lost in thought and exhaustion. It was quiet....
Hubby (in a silly voice): "I love you D-, good night..." *laughter*
...and there was my opening. After a few laughs and grumbles, I said, half serious, half joking:
"We love you, D-..."
Am I done with this assignment, or is this just the beginning? We'll see.
It seems that breaking through these emotional blocks is helping me physically. I'm at 94 lbs now. I still am having some allergic reactions, pains and spasms, but they are short term. Anyway, my quality of life is much better, and for that I thank God. My soul is singing.
July 02, 2004
Parasites Make Media Attention
New York Yankees News
Hubby is so blue after reading the news that two players on his favorite team are ill from parasites. What caught my attention in the articles:
...he has felt sluggish and tired for several weeks, dating back to late April or early May. Recent blood tests didn't reveal any problem... - Doesn't surprise me one bit anymore.
"In underdeveloped countries it's more common and in some cases can be endemic, but in developed countries it's very, very rare," Hershon said. "That's why it's quite unusual to have a situation like this." - I don't think it's unusual anymore, I simply think it is less reported/found/suspected as a common problem in the US.
"Even when I worked out, I was continually getting weaker," Brown said. "I had the fatigue, weight loss, muscle fatigue. I didn't have the throwing up like he had, but I had loss of appetite. For a couple of weeks that was all I could do to make myself eat. For a while, I have been eating like a horse and still losing weight. " - Guys, I feel for you... I was there.
A shame they're being pumped with antibiotics when there are natural methods for getting rid of it. But I'm glad at least they're getting taken care of.
Hubby is so blue after reading the news that two players on his favorite team are ill from parasites. What caught my attention in the articles:
...he has felt sluggish and tired for several weeks, dating back to late April or early May. Recent blood tests didn't reveal any problem... - Doesn't surprise me one bit anymore.
"In underdeveloped countries it's more common and in some cases can be endemic, but in developed countries it's very, very rare," Hershon said. "That's why it's quite unusual to have a situation like this." - I don't think it's unusual anymore, I simply think it is less reported/found/suspected as a common problem in the US.
"Even when I worked out, I was continually getting weaker," Brown said. "I had the fatigue, weight loss, muscle fatigue. I didn't have the throwing up like he had, but I had loss of appetite. For a couple of weeks that was all I could do to make myself eat. For a while, I have been eating like a horse and still losing weight. " - Guys, I feel for you... I was there.
A shame they're being pumped with antibiotics when there are natural methods for getting rid of it. But I'm glad at least they're getting taken care of.
